i don't know why

I don't grasp being envious of someone who is miserable despite being surrounded by friends and family. Who just doesn't know why she is depressed in her home. Who can't explain why she can't just get a job to pay the bills.  Someone who talks about being blessed and excited to see a new place, learn a new language and live a life that so many dream about... because she does realize, she does... but who breaks down in front of her fellow passengers when boarding for the first leg of the trip because it hurts so bad to leave the people that she loves and that love her despite truly knowing her. 
It isn't something I choose, really, this life that happens to me. I would choose, probably, to not work for minimum wage and 30 hours a week. I would opt not to spend money on plane tickets and oil paints. And I would probably get a government job that would pay me to go to the places and do the things I want to do. They would pay me to learn all the languages on my list. It would be much easier that way. And I'd probably have health insurance. And a company car. And a house. No debt. (I know you know what I'm talking about.) 
But I can't just do that.